March 25, 2017

A wise man, GM, once told me that there is “prosperity in pain”. I never really paid much attention to this because at that time in my life it appeared that much pain had passed from years prior and I was experiencing the emotional prosperity continuously. Life’s curveballs were welcomed as I knew and experienced time and time again the growth and insight that would follow.

Sometime later, my ego took over and I thought I had everything. I stopped appreciating the pain that once led me to growth. Instead I relished in pride and my accomplishments. Not that I couldn’t be happy and proud for what I was accomplishing. In all honesty however, I lost myself in my achievements and I lost the true value of what they really meant.

Several years of viewing life in this distorted, delusional and superficial way led to a big blow when I was diagnosed with Lupus. I wasn’t prepared. I had set my tools down long before. I stopped relying on the One I trust that guides my life. I stopped believing in what it took to get there; The pain that I once became so grateful for. No self-pity here. Simply the reality.

Along with this diagnosis came major depression. And I lost site of all of who I was. My virtues, my morals, my integrity, my dignity, my identity. And I forgot all about how many years previously to this that I had experienced painful situations that I always made it through, and that NEVER FAILED to bring the most amazing growth. Absorbing that growth and utilizing it and actually living it with my eyes open is an indescribable feeling. But my eyes closed. It was dark and I lost trust in the man that told me that there will always be growth in pain. I lost trust in my 30 years of experiencing it.

Patience. Trust. Belief. Faith. Hope. Connection. Vulnerability. All found their way  back into my life in His time. Not my time.

And It has been just recently that I see the whole picture of my life that has already happened and how all people and experiences and events have been placed into order not on my own accord but by Something greater than myself. For reasons that should I choose, lead me to growth. I see the picture now. The big picture. I see I have options and can choose and ask for guidance on which direction is the right one to go. To not stay stuck out of a thousand forms of fear.

Today, I am grateful for the good, the bad, the ugly and every single person that has entered my life.

Liberation. Prosperity. Looking forward to having an even clearer lens moving forward.