April 10th, 2017

The adjustment of learning you have a disease that is incurable. Each visit to the doctor can start the entire grieving process all over again. Although……here is what I am learning……..I’m not in control. I have a disease. Yes. I have an incurable (at the moment) disease. Yes. It has affected countless parts of my body and I have grieved every cell that has been affected by this………..so what’s left? Nothing? My life is over? Keep grieving? Keep being in pain and resentment? Keep looking for all the things wrong? Keep wondering if the news is going to be bad? No. Not at all. For me it’s UP. I don’t not have anything left. If anything I have more now. I have Him. I have God.

I have grieved. I will continue to become sad when things happen………….although…………because of all of this………..it has made me appreciate life more than when I got sober, and there was nothing that I thought could ever compare to that. In recovery, some choose to say (including myself) “I am a grateful recovering addict.” Today………..I am saying I am grateful for this experience. Grateful. No I don’t want this disease to stay. The experience is what I am grateful for.  It has made me appreciate every single person in my life for who they are whether we agree or disagree, have the same beliefs or not, have been cross to each other or not……….because they are in my life, and I love them. Everyone is different. No one should ever be hurt. I have learned forgiveness of myself even more and  even more for others. I have gained passion I never thought could be so intense.

They say what you focus on manifests, and it does. This is very much my focus right now yes, but it’s positive. It may not appear that way at times, but it is. Choose to see through a different lens.

It’s all about what you do with what you focus on. I’ve lost many friends over the last few years to heroin or the famous Opioid family. I love, love, love watching their videos and pictures and post often about them. Is it to sit in pain? Not anymore. It’s to truly appreciate the time I got to spend with them. To truly feel blessed to have loved and known them. To continue to keep them alive and remember they are a part of this world and because of them the world is a better place. That they were wonderful, amazing, hilarious, witty, intelligent, bright people who should be celebrated and never forgotten as so many sadly are.

Situations in life that may not be ideal? Hurtful situations. Toxic situations. I used to be very comfortable in pain. I welcomed it because it was what I knew. I was the creator of my pain. It was purposeful to sit in pain for me knowing very well it was destructive. Today, because of recovery and now MUCH MORE SO BECAUSE OF THIS EXPERIENCE………because He has shown me so much more……..I’ve learned to truly love and truly respect all who come into my life and whom have gone out of my life…..and to know that being comfortable in the pain…..is not ok today for me. And so that means that it’s ok to make fearful decisions. Decisions to get out of and remove myself from situations in life that cause pain, that are unhealthy, that hurt. Today that’s unacceptable and not comfortable. And I will make those fearful decisions. And I cannot wait. Liberation.

This entire experience has forced me divinely to untether myself from the things I held on to for so many years. Which may or may not be contributors to my current health………….Im letting go of all of the self bondage…………freedom. Acceptance is the key to happiness.

Even if I didn’t believe in God, I still wouldn’t have control. I would however be able to choose if my life is over because of a disease and sit in pain or choose life.