April 18th, 2017

The more I think about why the human body would turn on itself, the more interested I become in the mind body connection.

I was taking a training class the other day for work and the topic was how to identify and report child abuse. One of the slides was that it is a proven fact that children, or I should say during ones developmental years,  up to around 20 years old, who are exposed to certain negative (conservative word choice) events are more likely than those who did not, to experience health issues later in life. They are more susceptible to disease and illness.

So while we cannot see the mind with our eye, it is very clear that it is very real and it is very clear that our mind has a direct impact on our physical state.

Autoimmune disease………..the body turns on itself………..interesting. For the longest time my reality has been an internal battle with myself psychologically as a result of things I experienced in those developmental years. These experiences shaped my perception in negative, unhealthy and cynical ways. Though this “shaping” never felt right, as I was not intended to the person to view through that “shaped” lens. I always knew that. And therefore as a result……..constantly in a psychological battle with myself. It showed in my decisions, my inconsistencies, my relationships with others and with self. Always at battle. Unsure how to break free from what happened, unsure how to change, unsure how to see differently. Unsure if I would ever stop dueling with myself.

The last 8 years of recovery have given me a chance to begin to see through a different lens. To see that I can change. To see clearly that I get to choose. And we now know that the brain physiologically can rewire its conditioning through practice. Amazing. Fascinating.

The cards were dealt the way they were dealt, and thats ok. No, this not a story of my parents, whom I love. My symptoms of my body taking over and fighting itself began not long after getting sober. Not enough time to repair the damage that had been done and then continued to be done by my own volition.

I cannot help but think that this disease is representative of a state of mind that was once constantly at battle. There is science and psychology in this. But facts in the science from what we know about the brain today. I wonder if my body finally had enough and my insides just began to  match my insides. At least metaphorically this is real for me…….my truth.

This disease has given me so much purpose to continue to persevere in discovering who I am, loving who I am, accepting who I am, not allowing others to define me, control me, abuse me in any way. And for that I am eternally grateful for…….Lupus. Because today, I get to let go of all the things that have bound me to fight myself and keep me stuck. Recovery was only the beginning of something actually quite beautiful…………….letting go.