May 27th 2017,
I have become somewhat of a coffee connoisseur, frequenting coffee shops daily to continue to maintain the passion that has been lit inside of me. I have found several in Austin, right on the water, where I find peace. Soft jazz playing in the background, helping to center me and bring me into the moment. I am at peace. The wind is blowing, the music notes seem to be in-sync with the blowing air. As if the music is dancing right along with it out over the water. The volume is just soft enough to provide the perfect atmosphere for serenity and the grounded-ness in being in the here and now. And just loud enough to cast out the conversations of others around me………bliss.
I was with a friend earlier and he suggested I become a coffee shop blogger, joking around. Maybe not. I began to judge myself. I wondered if he thought that I spend too much time focused on trying to make this website and movement launch. If I am spending too much time focused on my physical ailments. Obviously this was my own projection of thoughts. The fact that those were my initial thoughts makes me want to explore them more………Am I?
I process best through writing and so here goes into the mind of someone who isn’t afraid to venture into my own delusions and realities, and admit them. 2 years ago now………I spent much of my time in the dark corners of my mind. Exploring the internet, reading all of the negative and terrible things about the disease that I have inherited. Obsessing daily, minute by minute of the “what if’s.” Disregarding any positive and solely focusing on the negative…….as to convince myself that this was the end. My mind refused to allow me to believe in or trust anything good, anything positive. And my life fell apart. Not just physically, also relationally, emotionally, vocationally and spiritually. I was existing and surviving in fear, minute by minute. Day by day. Waiting. Waiting for the worst. The more I focused on this, the more darkness became a reality…………as what we focus on becomes manifest in our lives. Or at least this has proven to be the case in mine. Depression is a dark place. Obsession in fear is even darker and nothing more than an endless rabbit hole. I lost everything about who I was, who I am, who I could be, and those in my life……….as I them out or they chose to leave. Life was grim and I was completely unable to function. All based in 1,000 forms of fear. False Events Appearing Real. Living in delusion though not ignorant to the fact that I do have a disease and it is serious and real. But what about living? What about life? What about what I was doing was providing any fulfillment, joy, life……….living…..thriving? It wasn’t. I was a a slave to fear and depression.
With the waking up one morning and the decision to not merely exist, I decided to turn this entire life situation around into a positive one where I could thrive. As that is what we are meant as humans to do. I woke up and began this website, this Facebook group, this idea that I, along with others can make things happen………So when? Why not today?……….And so I did. And here I am 4 months later. Today, when I cry. It’s because I am happy. I do not believe I have ever cried so much and so hard out of a deep sense of happiness and fulfillment. People worry how much I put into this. What they don’t see is the absolute shift my life has taken into a completely other dimension. One that feels the joy I did as an innocent child without a care in the world or a fear in the world. Seeing how this can have an impact on the lives of others to thrive, to live, to LIVE…..not to exist. Not to just survive. Instead of being confined to the internet perpetuating more and more fear, I am out. At a coffee shop, in Austin. They city I love. Enjoying the outdoors that have always been a part of my world that brings me more than peace but a sense of being fully alive on a cellular level. Enjoying beautiful music that I get to attach to the soundtrack of my life and that dances with my thoughts of positivity and ignites creativity and introspection. Being here, right now……….. smiling as the summer air moves in and the aroma of coffee being brewed as the sun slowly goes down and the wind gently picks up. I am in a state of bliss. This is who I am. This is me. This is what I have been missing by focusing on the “what if’s.” By allowing myself to stay in fear. I am me again. I took the leap after ten years and daringly moved back to the place I love. Leaving a comfort zone that actually kept me stuck in fear. Freedom. Immersing myself in the getting out and establishing relationships with friends that I love. That is who i am. I love my friends. So long I have isolated myself in fear. Today that is not me. Today I take what one may not think of a leaps, and I jump. I have found laughter again. I have found how to put my emotions aside and make some hard life decisions that otherwise I would never make out of contentment and fear. I leap. I thrive. I’m living. I will live. I will not exist, I will not merely survive. I chose to live. The future is unknown. But guess what, It always has been. I am just more aware today. But I always could have been aware. So I shift back to the here and the now.
So, I may spend a lot of time on this movement. If not, who? But what isn’t seen is how much this redirection from darkness to light has given me my life back. No. Not given me my life back…..begun to recreate the life I’ve always wanted to live. I enjoy myself today. I enjoy my solitude. I enjoy my friends. I laugh. I cry happy tears. I can feel air and appreciate it for what it is, hear the music and appreciate the artist emotions carefully integrated into the notes……and the smell of coffee right now, that completes the perfect ambiance for inner peace for me. Self-care. This is it. Each time I write with the intent for awareness however most importantly the intent to instill hope. Something that is very real. If you don’t have it, it won’t manifest. It we doubt, we sell ourselves short. Time and time and time again this has been a proven lesson in my life. I see it now. I have learned.
The other day I believe I may have met the most humble, real, authentic and genuine couple I may have every met. You know……….the people who look you right in the eyes the whole time, intently listening, connected with you and talking to you into your soul…….allowing you to know they hear you and they mean what they are saying to with their inner being. This couple, like all has had their hardships and like everyone starting something new has had to start at the bottom. What I will own is an expectation to make things happen overnight. Yet it was so gently and lovingly expressed to me that if one thing doesn’t work, don’t give up. It won’t happen overnight. That is not how it works. Be yourself, maintain creativity. AND DO NOT GIVE UP. When one thing doesn’t work, it is not a failure. It is an opportunity to move in a different direction. I heard you loud and clear in my heart.
And so as I sat down today to write, having no clue what I wanted to write about, the picture attached to this blog is what is staring me in the face on the table. Right when I sat down, there it was. And I suddenly, subtly smiled to myself. My dad lives in Maine and when I go up there I notice all of the houses on the beach have names. One house in particular always brings me happiness when I see it. The name of it is “Someday Happened.” I knew when I saw it, someone’s dream had come true. And it wasn’t overnight. I thought of that as I sat down.
What I am trying to accomplish with the help of the world may happen “someday”. “Somedays” happen all the time. And if anything………”someday” has already happened. I am living and thriving and at peace. “Someday” from decades ago wishes has happened………….