July 30th, 2017

The other day on Facebook I saw a post that stated something along the lines of how something is very wrong in the world today when people start outwardly expressing publicly whats going on with them on the inside. I may have taken this the wrong way, however I will say that I have heard it many times in the context that I am referring to. Which is that it is “bad”, “wrong”, and “not ok” to disclose personal information publicly. To an extent I agree as certain things don’ need to be advertised to the world, nor disclosed to certain others that may use it to harm you. Motive also matters. I won’t get into that as it goes without saying. 

I will say this. For me, I self-disclose a lot. Some may call it a lack of boundaries, I choose to think of it today as me. If you judge it, if you don’ like it, if you take it out of context, well, then that’s the reader or listeners sh*t. Not mine. Today. I know that. This is me. Today I will not live in a facade walking around this earth having fraudulent relationships with others. If you can be on the level in which I choose to live my life, that also is very much ok, because what I have learned is that the world around me, has absolutely nothing to do with me. I can’t change it, I can’t fix it, I can’t mend it, I can’t alter it……and again, that’s ok. I can however change my perception. And with a shift in perception my life can be as high as I want it to be. I don’t know here the passion comes from, but it runs deep. And that’s me. And I won’t ever suppress it for anyone. 

Circling back. I too used to think, certain disclosures online or to others were inappropriate. However, I firmly believe today, that if i had an outlet other than some therapist throwing textbook knowledge at me, without the life experience, my world may have turned out a lot more different. After all, isn’t psychology all just theory any way. Based off of those theorists own life experiences? It’s unreasonable to think that could apply across the board to all individuals. And its doesn’t. Had I known growing up, there been others who experienced certain thinking and disclosed like they do today, I would have known I was not the only one on so so so many different things. A very very lonely place for an adolescent. My physiological state of the developing mind may have turned out completely different and I wouldn’t have…….well Ill get to that in a moment. 

Life has happened……….currently……as I was making other plans. It happens. It happens to every one. Some amazing person shot me a quote of inspiration by Yogi Bhagan that states.” If you are willing to look at another persons behavior towards you as a reflection as a state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will over a period cease to react at all.” I would like to add that not only would one cease to react. One would understand and not make a mess of how they perceive themselves. Depression, anxiety, addiction, etc. may not exist. We live in a world where so much value is placed on how others perceive us, its a true tragedy. If we seek to understand, rather to be understood, as it is our own responsibility to understand ourselves, then the world can and would be almost magical. Because not matter what, one would know and believe with conviction their own value no matter what someone else’s hindered self relationship was projected onto them. This quote has me in awe even though all of the work I have done on myself over the years has taught me this, in times of pain and tragedy, I often forget. And I suddenly realized that um, well, this applies to me too. What do my relationships with others look like when I am in pain? When life happens? I have seen complete self-hate from others, complete despair, complete self-loathing, complete rage, complete and deep deep rooted pain so much so that they did not want to live, so much focus on appearance because on the inside they felt completely ugly, sheer shame, guilt and watched it played out over and over and over and over again projected AT others. When the struggle was internal. Myself included. Maybe the girl who is in constant anxiety has fear you have no clue about, yet you judge. Maybe the guy who seems like a total asshole really has not sense of self yets wants it, but never got it. But yet you judge. Maybe the the cheater has a need for validation that no one person can fulfill but yet inside they are in so much pain because they have no clue who they are. Maybe the to loner who always gets made fun of for “what” has is going through things you have no clue about.. Yet we don’t seek to understand. Selfishness and self-centeredness, that is the root of our problems. My darkest relationship with self? Complete and absolute terror of not being loved. The willingness and power that fear has played out in my life has lead to and caused me to act in ways unimaginable and truly sad. The fear of not being loved. Do I know where this comes from? Absolutely. Do I need to spend years talking about it. No. I know its source. I know today, with practice, that no one person will EVER EVER EVER fill that void and or take away that fear. Only I can. I know it is there. I have to accept that it is part of being human. And as a child, maybe, had someone self-disclosed the same, the world wouldn’t have been so painful. 

Seek……to understand, rather to be understood. Know it is our job to understand ourselves. If you understand that everyone is fallible and everyone has a story, and not everyone knows they are in prison in their mind, life is much lighter. Life can be internally valuable again. I am so ready to thrive in this life viewing through this lens. Practice. The world is not black and white. I’m ready. Bring on all the rain. 

There is so much evidence that during the developmental years, if a child is subject to tragedy on a very wide spectrum, they are very very much prone to disease as an adult. Autoimmunity=self=destruct. So very interesting. I refuse. I will defeat this, as I continue to establish the foundation of my own value.

Whats yours is not mine to own. And Ill own me today in this time of………..life.