35 years old. No, I do not plan on dying soon. However, when I think of the term “bucket list,” I wonder what exactly is that? A list of things that you always wanted to do in life. The term tends to be attributed to the elderly of things they always wanted to do but never did and therefore now will do when they are older. Why wait? I never met my maternal grandfather. However, I heard that up until the day he died he was bitter about a divorce that took place 45 years prior. Unbelievable. I have watched and participated in things that have resulted in a waste of time. I have witnessed misery of others living a life of survival simply to not hurt others, myself included. I recently read a (LEGITIMATE) medical article that they have discovered that certain behaviors, attitudes, beliefs and perceptions are imprinted on our genes from our ancestors. That is profound. What our ancestors experienced has affected us as human beings. And so the generational dysfunction continues on and on and on until someone breaks it. It is not just nurture anymore but nature and nurture. I absolutely refuse to allow myself to be 80 years old wishing that I had lived the life I always wanted, done the things that I always wanted, experienced the things that I always wanted. Thats not life. That existance. And what is existence without living?
The past is that past. I used to hate when people stated that. Because Im unsure that they really knew what they were saying. The past has a profound impact clearly on who we are today, however, why not change it. Why stay stuck in it. How many times does it have to be acknowledged. How many times does the pain have to be experienced. Truly?
I find it absolutely phenomenal that removing myself from a toxic situation and finding purpose has resulted in clean blood. Remission of my disease. Relief of my symptoms. Emotions are at the core of what I believe drives us into sickness or health. My whole life I have been living for you, for them, for that….liking what you like, altering myself to how you want me to be…….how you want me to dress, what you want me to feel, what you want me to like, and ultimately allowing the world to dictate my life and tell me who I am and shape a false identity of someone I am not. After all, every living being is only another human being. Stating their opinions. Stated their own beliefs off of their own life experiences. Where are the facts about who I am when someone else is telling me how it is, how it should be, who I am, what is wrong with me, what is right with me. Who are you? You a human being, just like me. And no one gets to tell me who I am. Since I have gone through all that I have in the last several years I have discovered my body reacts to my mind. I chose wether I am sick or not. No one on this earth is God. No one. Unless you can prove to me who I am scientifically, then I am know who I am and from this moment forward, I will be who I am. Loving how I want to love, and not accepting judgement from anyone. Doing what I want to do and not accepting judgment on what others think I should be doing. Loving every piece of me and being fully grounded in that, not allowing any one person to judge or tell me it isn’t right.
So my bucket list. Isn’t for the dying. Its for the living for me. To finally do what I always wanted to do and be who I was always meant to be, without being swayed by some other person who have no authority over my life.