September 8th 2017

Sometimes I think I feel “too much.” Is that possible? Or is that just me? Its just me. Told over and over and over to not feel so much I am standing strong in my ground that this is who I am and there is absolutely no reason for that to change. I get nothing out of life from superficial, materialistic, pretentious, ego-driven, gossip driven conversations. Everything everyone who is older than me who has  gavin me advice on life has come true. Everything. I don’t wont take life for granted anymore. The latest in my mind is growing old and having regrets of not “living.” I imagine since I hear that so often that this is another truth spoken from the wise. So I’m not going to wait to be one to say it when I’m older.

I realize my blogs have gotten off topic somewhat of “autoimmunity.” That’s ok. Right? Its my blog. However, It is all connected. I was having a conversation with someone a few weeks ago. I wont go into the details, however I was saddened as much as this topic comes up. The pressure a person feels given certain life situations. And Its not that I thought that what this person was experiencing was trivial, though I thought to myself…why does this stuff seem so trivial to me right now when its actually a huge deal in this person’s life and would be in mine if I was going through it. I came up with an answer. This disease has given me more than it will ever know. Do I go about my days thinking that any moment I could die? No. Do I think that this disease is going to take me out? No. Do I know this is a life threatening disease? Yes. But you know what, I’m ok with that. Because had I not acquired this disease my life would look a lot different. I wouldn’t have taken a clear look at how my life has panned out and what I have allowed to control and dictate it……the influence and control of others. I would have stayed in a relationship over and over and over and over again that I didn’t want to be in. I would have continued to tell others what I think they want to hear to appease them in order to feel some sense of acceptance. I would have continued to say yes when I meant no. I would allow toxic people into my life to tell me who I am. I would continue to sabotage the good God brings me out of fear. I don’t think I ever would have experienced love and allowed someone to love me even if it was brief. I got to experience it. I would never have made my own decisions based on what I want. I would have based my decisions on what others want. I wouldn’t see how giving my everything to everyone to gain acceptance is killing me and care enough to change that to put me first. Im reminded of the Tim McGraw song, “live like you were dying.” Sounds morbid but it really isn’t. I’m not living like I’m dying. I’m living. Something we are all supposed to do as humans yet have become so mind f*ucked by society, others opinions, others experiences, others thoughts, others feelings, others this, others that that we take on others realities and we forget we have our own and we are the authors of our own life. Today, I am the author of my life. It doesn’t matter who’s feelings I hurt. I will never be malicious, but in the face of self care, people get hurt. That’s not my shit.

Its amazing since I have been living life this way, I feel like a kid again. Innocent and full of wonder. Its amazing how a song, the weather, a memory, a smell, a place can bring me right back so vividly to places that I enjoyed in life. That had a positive profound affect on my life. Its amazing. Enough with the negativity of the past. I’m done with it. It happened. I’m sure it has contributed to my disease and I’m sure my mindset has contributed to the remission of my disease. There is so much in this moment to appreciate, to love, to live, to feel, to be grateful for. I am so grateful for this disease. It has given me life. If it takes my life, well……….It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

Every day I see dysfunction. Its breaks my heart. Within my own family and within other families. Does anyone have any clue that they are the author of their own life? It feels good to have God by my side to make some of the hardest decisions of my life. I wish and pray that others will see with clarity and choose life.

86