But words can never hurt me…….
When we were kids, or at least when I was, the infamous taunt back at someone trying to harm you with words was “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.” I don’t know who in the world comes up with these black and white statements that condition people, especially children, to believe that the world is in fact black and white, but I find it absolutely ridiculous. As I’ve grown up it has caused massive disappointment to discover the world and those in my life are as far from black and white as a black is finite. In fact the world is so grey I’ve allowed it to continue to surprise me over and over and over again when I know the fact that it is grey. Yet my mind refuses to believe that it isn’t because of what I went brain was physiology and physically conditioned to believe and therefore how to perceive. This has led me to major resentment, continuous heartbreak, continuous let down, continuous amazing pain. And yet the world around me seems to look at me side ways thinking “well what did you expect?” What I expect is to be treated like a human and being and my wish is that the world would realize the profound impact that we all have on one another and get out of self.
I’ve never been hurt by a stick or a stone. I have been hurt at the hands of another human being which I’m sure is the metaphor. But words……..words have hurt me more in this life than any kind of abuse. Any kind. Words are piercing, words are damaging, words can be life threatening, words shape minds, words shape perceptions, words cause immense pain, words are liars, words can shape how someone views themself. The tongue can be one of the most vicious things ever created. Words however can also create healing, peace, love, comfort, serenity and if spoken right…..truth and trust.
We are all built for self preservation. However the reality is we live amongst millions of others. And it’s almost a tragedy we are built for self preservation because we impact each other. And to be ego driven sets the stage for a lack of caring on how we treat, connect and impact others.
Recently I went on what we will just call a sabbatical or a growing experience to recover from one tragedy of both words and actions…..but more so, maybe about 80% words that impacted my life in a severely negative way. Prior to going to this place of healing……….two of the most God driven things happened in my life. I don’t wait and waste my life on having the expectations of others to come to me and own the parts of harm they have played in my life. If I did, I might be waiting forever. Internalizing it and allowing it to kill me. However, a man called me to lunch out of the blue. A man I have know for 35 years. A man I had on a pedestal all my life. A pedestal that he never should have been on as expectations lead to resentments and everyone has issues. But in a little girls eyes who thinks the world is black and white, this was a man who could do no wrong. But he did. Unsure he was conscious of it, the words and actions turned a little girls world upside down and set what could have been a better life on a path of confusion and being completely lost. After entering recovery I made an amends to this man…..completely unaware that I was owed an amends. As I was shaped to believe I was responsible to believe I was responsible for everyone’s thoughts, feelings and actions.
So when this man called me to have lunch, I was expecting a lecture, not to be heard, anything but what did happen. With tears in his eyes and a softer voice than I’ve ever heard, I became lost in emotion as this spent the next hour owning all and any pain he may have ever have caused or inflicted through his words and actions……words I never in this lifetime thought I would ever hear, ownership of the wrongs that had been done that I never thought I would ever hear. And In a moments time, my father, healed some of the deepest wounds I had ever endured. In one hour I left the responsiblilty that I thought was mine and 100s of bleeding wounds healed. One hour. Words. Words of trust. Words of love. Words of “I’m sorry.” 60% of the world was lifted from a girl that never should have had it on her shoulders.
The day I left for my “healing place”……..I received a random phone call. 9 years later…..9 years later I heard a voice from a person that spoke in a tone I never, ever ever I thought I would here. I wasn’t waiting. But the wounds of the words and other things had continued to bleed for those 9 years. Subconsciously weighing on me and killing me. This person…….someone who even though I knew was a hurt human being, had a piercing impact on the way I felt and perceived, for the negative. And again In an hour of listening to this person…….own his words, own the hurt that was inflicted and with truth and love say….” I am sorry”……more wounds were healed and the world was lighter. God was showing me. I do not need to take on all the hurt ass personal. It is not mine to own unless I am the inflictor.
To this day, though I’m
Learning, hurt people hurt people, yet I continue to take on their hurt and feel responsible . I continue to learn and become fascinated by the mind body connection. After all of this healing and making a decision to get out of a situation that was killing me due to all the verbal wounds, my doctor told me that my blood work was “EXCELLENT.” My symptoms had resided and for the first time in 5 years since my diagnosis my body had no physical pain. My mind was blown. What I take on from other people I truly believe that my body responds.
Recently I came across a human connection that was profound. The words, the connection. Deep. Intense. Refreshing. Allowing myself to fall into the real ness that was perceived and vulnerability that was experienced. One that brought me back to a kid like state. A child like innocence. My healed heart was lit up with life, comfort, trust, peace, calm, and more healing. And in a moments time, with words, my heart was pierced with pain. Accusations untrue to save something unknown and not mine to save. Coldness that was never there presented itself in a moments heartbeat. Another wound based out of trust. Words that were untrue. Words that were said once that made this girl feel on top of the world. Words that were said that one should never say or promise to someone with a chronic illness. It appeared to be pure cruelty. In a moments time. Shattered. Broken. And what happened……my disease came out of remission. Sympathy? Don’t need it. Empathy? Don’t want it. This is reality. Broken people hurt people without a seeming care in the wolrd and have no clue to pain they instill based out of selfishness and self centeredness and 100 forms of fear.. stealing a statement from the big book of AA “we step on the toes on our fellows and they retaliated.” What I would like to add is we step on the toes of our fellows and cause them insurmountable pain and hurt and as a result their lives are changed.
Where am I going with this? Why is it that I continue to allow the pain and hurt disguised as good kill me? Today I know I’m a outstanding person. I attract those that want to hurt me. And I allow it. It has without a doubt affected my body and wether it hates itself or not. Which is what autoimmune disease is.
The other day I decided to become a cold and hateful person. An amazing friend told me that even should I chose to become that way, the good person that I am will destroy the bad person i pretend to be and will remain good. I hear you. I hear God and I know he has me. I will continue to be me and love me. Words……be preciously careful with your fellow human beings. You no clue the impact you impact you may have on someone soul, heart and mind.
dont break the already broken hearted. Don’t mess with broken hearts. You have no idea the capability you have when you lock someone when they are down.